Wednesday, February 22, 2017

self recollection

there is a fine line on looking back to see how far you've come and looking back in a self-deprecating manner, finding faults in all the pages of your story. re-reading over and over again, about what you did wrong, feeling regret at the dog-eared memories you can't make yourself forget. telling yourself i should have done this instead.
i often look back in this counterproductive manner and so today i wrote down /
don't look back-there is no past self-just you then + decisions now

i felt really good about that as a mantra, a forever reminder that i am always me, but it's my decisions that shape how i am perceived (by myself and of course, the eyes of many others). and we all make good decisions, just as we make bad ones. such is life, and always will be.
but then i got to thinking, maybe there is a better way to look back, to find trinkets of self-love, left along the path that got you to where you are today-smiling, healthy.
i spent so much time looking for purpose outwardly, looking to define my place through the acceptance of others. letting the hands of another build my home until it collapsed. every time. for so long i let myself think that i was okay, stringing myself along every second, wondering "where will i be next?"
until i realized that i really did want to be strong and self-sufficient in every sense of the term. and in order to do so, i needed to say goodbye to every comfort blanket wrapped around me, even if that meant not having a close anything.
and it was in that exact moment of separation that every good thing i have took a step into my life. all i had to do was make the choice to step away from the facade.
sometimes i feel like i don't know who i am-the unrelenting pressure of finding your vice, your career, a money making passion-and then i understand that IS who i am! i am all of those feelings, the temptation to revolt against the pressurized "normal". you won't find yourself looking at everybody else. go against the grain.

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