Tuesday, January 10, 2017

personal post 1.0

lately i've been trying to revamp "me". it just so happens it's in coordination with the new year.
just like with anything, making changes, working on yourself, becoming better-these things are a process to unfold. it's so easy to give up when things don't play out overnight or when you backtrack. and so often, we do give up.
i've been really good at reminding myself that just because i don't always reach my daily goals, doesn't mean i'm not doing a good job at attempting, or achieving progress.
i try to find balance in all things.
the mind is so capable of stressing out. it's also capable of being still, though this takes practice and will. i have been trying to teach myself to stop obsessing about how things look each day. instead, try to look at the whole.
we can all agree that 2016 played out....weird. donald trump is our president-the same guy who disses people on twitter more than gossip girl left us with xoxo. i'm pretty sure i said 2016 sucked everyday.

but now that it's over, and i've reflected on it, i can see that its inner workings really left me in a better place. i have learned to take initiative to get things done, instead of filing things away out of fear of the outcome. i've realized it's better to tackle things head first because the anxiety only gets worse when you put it off.
speaking of anxiety, i have it! i used to have panic attacks all of the time because i talked myself into them. i used to avoid school, work, appointments, etc. i used to get in my car to head somewhere and halfway down the road i would talk myself into turning back around. people are quick to say anxiety is something they cannot help-and yeah, maybe you can't help having anxiety-but you CAN help yourself cope with it. if i can, you can.
i had my first panic attack in a long time, a couple of weeks ago. i was driving my car to a repair shop, at night. my car was in bad condition and made a really loud noise the faster i went. my glasses caused glares from all the headlights passing me, behind me, etc. all i could focus on was the loud noise and the difficulty seeing ahead. i slowed to 30 in a 60, got in the slow lane, and put my flashers on. i was freaking out. i finally made it to my destination and as soon as i dropped my keys off and got in my boyfriend's car, i started bawling. i was so shaken from feeling like i had no control over my emotions. i let it all get the best of me.
so, yes, i get that sometimes anxiety can cause you to lose it.
but you can't just let that stop you from living. you can't let every situation be the situation i just described.
i've grown this past year because i have made a nonstop effort to tell myself it's okay to feel. it's okay to be uncomfortable. what matters is the pep talk you give yourself, the acceptance of stepping out of your boundaries. everybody gets anxious and uncomfortable-some people just cope better. and i am becoming that person because i decided to be hard on myself. i stopped letting "anxiety" be what tells me who i am, what i do, where i go. anxiety is not "me".
no matter how you deal with it-medicine, yoga, meditation-deal with it. don't let it consume you-consume it! i hate when people say it isn't real, or that anxiety is an over reaction. i know that it isn't, but i will say (because i've been there) that it CAN become less and less of a cage.

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