Friday, May 26, 2017

architect

there

where you placed your hand
upon the expanse
of my architecture

you weren't admiring
my curves, but the ridged edges
and you didn't like what you could see

so you press against me.
but i did not stumble

you pack a hard punch,
enough to make me crumble

again-an explosion
amidst the rubble

story after story fall
until all that's left
ash

now you'll be the architect

Thursday, May 11, 2017

old

there had been a stagnant air
around me, seeping in the brokenness
my heart so full
of vast emptiness. I felt life
was over, but the blood was pumping
under my sallow skin. so again,
reason outweighs all we may feel.

it gets hard to breathe
stale humidity, so eventually
the ability not to try
is all the more welcome.
but how could i
give up
when there are more
to give love to?

it took some time to see
that the more you give,
the less you receive
applies to unrequited love
and that love
was draining me, violently,
until all I had left

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

that thing

you tell me you love me
at the same time
you tell me you don't want me
and that brings me back
to when i was
young, and i wanted something
so badly,
but mom said
i didn't need that.
in the same way,
i don't need you.
but desire can fool the broken
parts inside
so i'm still reaching
for that thing
i can't get.
as each day passes,
i'll desire something new,
and one of these days,
i'll forget
i ever wanted you.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

you became

if you let anything consume you,
Let it be air
so when you do drown
you will still have breath-
then use that breath
to exhale every bad thing
that you know you are keeping.
bring yourself back
To serenity:
look back on how you got older
even when you felt so young.
you didn't give yourself time to grow
but you let yourself hurt
and through those lessons
You became.
a vibrant buzz, steady hum
rhythm...
you, an abundant flow.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

self recollection

there is a fine line on looking back to see how far you've come and looking back in a self-deprecating manner, finding faults in all the pages of your story. re-reading over and over again, about what you did wrong, feeling regret at the dog-eared memories you can't make yourself forget. telling yourself i should have done this instead.
i often look back in this counterproductive manner and so today i wrote down /
don't look back-there is no past self-just you then + decisions now

i felt really good about that as a mantra, a forever reminder that i am always me, but it's my decisions that shape how i am perceived (by myself and of course, the eyes of many others). and we all make good decisions, just as we make bad ones. such is life, and always will be.
but then i got to thinking, maybe there is a better way to look back, to find trinkets of self-love, left along the path that got you to where you are today-smiling, healthy.
i spent so much time looking for purpose outwardly, looking to define my place through the acceptance of others. letting the hands of another build my home until it collapsed. every time. for so long i let myself think that i was okay, stringing myself along every second, wondering "where will i be next?"
until i realized that i really did want to be strong and self-sufficient in every sense of the term. and in order to do so, i needed to say goodbye to every comfort blanket wrapped around me, even if that meant not having a close anything.
and it was in that exact moment of separation that every good thing i have took a step into my life. all i had to do was make the choice to step away from the facade.
sometimes i feel like i don't know who i am-the unrelenting pressure of finding your vice, your career, a money making passion-and then i understand that IS who i am! i am all of those feelings, the temptation to revolt against the pressurized "normal". you won't find yourself looking at everybody else. go against the grain.

Friday, January 13, 2017

imperfect humans!!

you wouldn't think it would be so hard to love yourself.
we've got the concept of beauty all wrong, so wrong, that we look in the mirror and pick ourselves apart.
i see my skin as one big flaw. it is embedded in us to buy serums, mists, moisturizers, layers and layers of treatments, ointments, salves-all to become beautiful. we have it warped.
we are mistaken, for not seeing our skin as pure & simple beauty. not until it's smoothed and edited.
i go a day without makeup and end up feeling the need to avoid eye contact with other human beings.
simply because my dark circles are showing, my freckles are there, and my skin is a little bit blushed red. we feel prettier with our eyes lined, our lips colored, and our face flawless because that's all we've learned to be.
without it, others notice. we look sick, are we okay? our appearances are only acceptable when we're telling lies.
the human canvas is imperfect. the liquids and creams we slab on are just chemicals, and our bodies absorb them. we forget what we're buying into-cONsuMERism and trendy mARKetinG!!

we wonder why we looked tired and drowned out, but we stuff chemicals into our bodies and we put chemicals onto our faces. we stare at screens all day and lack fresh air. we suffocate ourselves with the lives of others, the constant stream of information, true or false, relevant or irrelevant. there's always something new to get in order to be in the know.

but maybe i don't want to know anymore. there's too much to keep up with in order to stay relevant. we are constantly connected, yet i feel that i don't really know anyone. maybe this is just a phase, but this media frenzy we live in is exhausting.

i forget to tend to myself because all i do is compare myself with others. their lives, their clothes, their style, their friends-it's a trap! in the chaos of it all, i've lost sight of myself. i've lost all sense of what makes me, me. there's so much to look at, to consider, that i'm stuck trying to find my place in all of it.

so i guess, i'm just trying to give myself a fresh start. kind of strip down to the basics, and not get so caught up in all of "it".
right now, for me, that means giving my skin a break from all of these skincare/beauty trends (because lord knows i don't really give a shit, but social media for some reason has made me want** to give a shit). it means trying really hard not to get caught up in what the world says is in, now, or current. it just means to stop fretting & letting things fall into place...
because they will.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

personal post 1.0

lately i've been trying to revamp "me". it just so happens it's in coordination with the new year.
just like with anything, making changes, working on yourself, becoming better-these things are a process to unfold. it's so easy to give up when things don't play out overnight or when you backtrack. and so often, we do give up.
i've been really good at reminding myself that just because i don't always reach my daily goals, doesn't mean i'm not doing a good job at attempting, or achieving progress.
i try to find balance in all things.
the mind is so capable of stressing out. it's also capable of being still, though this takes practice and will. i have been trying to teach myself to stop obsessing about how things look each day. instead, try to look at the whole.
we can all agree that 2016 played out....weird. donald trump is our president-the same guy who disses people on twitter more than gossip girl left us with xoxo. i'm pretty sure i said 2016 sucked everyday.

but now that it's over, and i've reflected on it, i can see that its inner workings really left me in a better place. i have learned to take initiative to get things done, instead of filing things away out of fear of the outcome. i've realized it's better to tackle things head first because the anxiety only gets worse when you put it off.
speaking of anxiety, i have it! i used to have panic attacks all of the time because i talked myself into them. i used to avoid school, work, appointments, etc. i used to get in my car to head somewhere and halfway down the road i would talk myself into turning back around. people are quick to say anxiety is something they cannot help-and yeah, maybe you can't help having anxiety-but you CAN help yourself cope with it. if i can, you can.
i had my first panic attack in a long time, a couple of weeks ago. i was driving my car to a repair shop, at night. my car was in bad condition and made a really loud noise the faster i went. my glasses caused glares from all the headlights passing me, behind me, etc. all i could focus on was the loud noise and the difficulty seeing ahead. i slowed to 30 in a 60, got in the slow lane, and put my flashers on. i was freaking out. i finally made it to my destination and as soon as i dropped my keys off and got in my boyfriend's car, i started bawling. i was so shaken from feeling like i had no control over my emotions. i let it all get the best of me.
so, yes, i get that sometimes anxiety can cause you to lose it.
but you can't just let that stop you from living. you can't let every situation be the situation i just described.
i've grown this past year because i have made a nonstop effort to tell myself it's okay to feel. it's okay to be uncomfortable. what matters is the pep talk you give yourself, the acceptance of stepping out of your boundaries. everybody gets anxious and uncomfortable-some people just cope better. and i am becoming that person because i decided to be hard on myself. i stopped letting "anxiety" be what tells me who i am, what i do, where i go. anxiety is not "me".
no matter how you deal with it-medicine, yoga, meditation-deal with it. don't let it consume you-consume it! i hate when people say it isn't real, or that anxiety is an over reaction. i know that it isn't, but i will say (because i've been there) that it CAN become less and less of a cage.